ONCE AGAIN

Well, well, well! Look what I have done,

All the memories, all the love, all is gone,

I look around to find where was my fault,

I am helpless once again, as the Devil does a somersault.

I can’t sit like this forever for her,

I stand alone in the moor, on the barren tor,

Rain splashes down the memories of old,

Each one hurts that was once treasured as gold.

Life teaches us to stand up and move on,

I have cut my heart, where shall I run?

The bleeding won’t stop till it consumes-

Me, I sit down in exhaustion till the rain resumes.

But there are some who care what happens here,

They are not the first but neither do the make up the rear,

I breathe just for them now, to see them smile,

They give me hope  to close my depression file!

For Su,Sheet and dear Hondo,

             Love you all!

               -Avinash

GLOOM

Thousands of people cross me in the day,

Many are unconcerned and many are jolly and gay,

How come I am the only one feeling alone?

Devastated like a man down with a loan!

I have got friend. Still I feel isolated,

They love me but still I feel insulated,

The rush of the crowd does not make a sense,

I walk with them but feelings are as transparent as lens.

It will take time to come to terms with my loss,

I will recover but that’s as short lived as moss,

Again I’ll get down, be insulted and hurt,

Be left, wounded and ignored, to rot.

Ever my friends might think me as a fool,

That I easily lose my happiness, my cool,

I have learnt my lesson once again,

But that too will not last with my pain.

30^th June, 2010.

CONTROL

I am happier than I ever was, in the past two months,

I now have a firm hold on the hose of my emotions,

Slow and steady I found a way back,

I learnt to promote my happiness, grief has had a demotion.

At last I have a strict rule over myself,

I am not a toy that everyone would play and discard,

Wasted are my days in regret and darkness that God himself-

Cannot forgive, so who am I to show any regard?

This is me, taking back control, taking what I need,

My shadowy world has been pushed near extinction,

I am not a muddy, wet and slimy weed,

Even they are useful in some, worthy implementation.

This is me, taking what I deserve, back from all,

From hurting and pain inflicting best-friends, from a selfish family,

I can smell the burning of my inside, it’s a positive call,

I do not find it necessary to appreciate hands that are oily.

I wrest my control back, from inhuman expectations,

From brain-storming thoughts, explicit excruciating pain,

From dishonest and faltering words, from baseless allegations.

I wrest my control back, this will be my greatest gain.

I learned a lot this time, my heart told me to endure,

Detaching mind from the heart, its horrible, to out-smart,

Control was indeed difficult to gain, to bear,

Finally I succumb to my conscience, with a mighty weight on my heart.

WELL…..

It has happened many-a-time when I am unaware,

All of my short-comings are cruelly laid bare,

Money changes hands like wood on fire,

I seem to run out of luck when need is dire.

There have been many obstacles in my life,

Like  a man with a tyrannous and strict wife,

Who had no liberty with his money and habit,

I have been forced to live like a ruined gambit.

My inside revolts against these unseen depressions,

Looking to thwart this cruel oppressions,

I look for a gap to soar into the vast blue sky,

And explore myself and learn to fly high.

I don’t know what makes me so complicated a man,

I seem to be unknown to every happiness that one can-

Experience in God’s green earth, save perhaps pain,

That engulfs my heart in its dripping jaws like a blessed gain.

Never have I been so confused over my priorities,

I can not fathom the depth of my liabilities,

Her cheerful face flashes in the screen of my mind,

And leaves behind a trail of happiness that none can unwind.

LONGING

I don’t know why I am like this,

My lingering desire to be at home,

I miss each and everything about it,

It’s garden, the interior and my blessed mum.

My heart yearns for the enchanted shores,

The pure air with its coolness and sweet talk,

I know I’ll return someday once again,

But still I want to go and run amok.

I am depressed, I think of my mom every second,

I miss her voice, that keeps me on my toes,

I miss her food, warmth and sense of protection,

Yet here I am, with none to listen to my woes.

I don’t like this bloody hostel, I don’t like it,

I don’t like this stupid college either,

It seems like a cage to me and my thoughts,

I like the bare grounds neither.

I like the green pastures, the hills under mist,

I like the lands full of grass and plants,

The greenery cheers up one’s mind,

And mingles with one’s hope and wants.

The barren fields here repel me,

The hilly areas of home seem a distant comfort,

I don’t know when I’ll go to the heavens beyond,

I want to go there not as my last resort!

WHATEVER

I don’t know why I am writing this,

Don’t know why I am being a fool,

I don’t want to go, the option being hard to miss,

Still, I allow myself to be used as a tool.

This stanza holds no meaning for me,

As did the one, preceding this,

I do not have worthy thoughts to pen,

But the ones that one may count as shit.

They say I write good English, gosh!

I did not even realize when I wrote anything,

Never have my emotions betrayed me before,

I have been contained, unable to fly, like a bird without a wing!!!

Welcome to a word of madness and devilry,

My past holds ample amounts of both,

I am ashamed of my family and lineage,

I hate to be counted as one of them, without any worth.

It’s good we are isolated and distant from rest,

I hate their bloody gene, damn it!

The same blood runs in my veins,

I want to escape from that place of bullshit.

I know this poem does not make any sense,

I know my thoughts swayed towards the end,

Do not read it again if you think I am a fool,

Because, for you, whatever I am, I wont mend.

CODSWALLOP

A nameless regret resides in my troubled heart,

A ceaseless pang on pain batters me every second,

I think I can name the loss of my happiness shirt,

But it eludes me and my imagination, I can’t pretend.

Stormy nights encompass my shadow world,

I will sail the sea of nothingness for eternity,

Thoughts sway inside me, leading to inferiority complex,

I want to get away from my blessed fraternity.

I have a world free of worldly sorrows and desire,

To roam in it, to my heart’s content is a dream,

To feel the joys of love and kindness is like a barbed wire,

The tighter you grasp, the deeper it cuts, inviting a scream.

My loss is someone else’s gain, someone worthier,

I can not decide which aspect of it to elude,

Every second it cuts into me, like flesh on fire, but swarthier,

The reason is obvious, I though lament it, never come to conclude.

People say I am talented, full of vital energy,

I see them, I know I am different from all,

I pray I come out in flying colors and a renewed synergy,

But all determination ,ultimately fails, triggering a fall!!!